Sometimes I feel like my feet are on the ground. And sometimes I’m floating. Floating in life and in space - this is where I’m at right now.
As I search for a seat on the train headed east to Boston, to a new internship, I watch all the professionals swarm the surrounding seats. Within a few minutes, I’m in a sea of neutral colors. Soo many pant suits and kitten heels. Too many.
My next thought is: Is this what my life will be? Just WORK? I already feel trapped! It’s all approaching quickly too. No more 4-month summers? Or 6 weeks off during the winter? I feel like I gotta know everything now, and I gotta do everything now.
For my first few days on this train, in a new situation, I forgot how fluid life is. I forgot how you can’t really predict anything. But now, here I am, faced with a glimpse of my potential future as I sit on this train, and I’m rattled.
I’d be fooling myself if I think that this so-called “uncertainty” that I feel now will altogether vanish after this “stage.” I’m always like, oh it’s my age. Once I get past this next “stage,” I’ll be settled. After all, our twenties are filled with question marks, one after another. Well, true. But aren’t your teens, your thirties, your sixties…your nineties?? I mean, I assume starting a family is scary too, and moving when a job transfers you and retiring??? And every other point in your life that is new.
Yeah, I feel pretty uncertain about a lot of aspects of my life these days. But there will always be that doubt. At least I can develop stability within myself in the meantime.
Because isn’t that the way life is? We are always nervous or anxious over the unknown, until it becomes familiar and then we start to take ownership and it becomes part of us. But right now, gotta get to work before I’m laaaaate!